THE LOOKAHEAD

7 Things Jimbo Fisher’s Buyout Could Buy

My God, they finally did it.

After six seasons of mostly mediocrity and frustration, Jimbo Fisher is out at Texas A&M. The boosters and oil barons evidently found enough change in the couch cushions to send the National Championship-winning coach packing to the tune of a $77 million buyout.

It’s absurd. It’s the absolute definition of dumb money. But exactly how dumb is it? That’s what I wanted to know. This week, I present to you seven things Fisher’s buyout could pay for. It’s frankly soul-crushing.

1) The yearly salary of every superior offensive coordinator, roughly four times over

The Aggies rank an OK 25^th in points per drive so far in 2023. Of the 24 offensive coordinators churning out better offenses than A&M’s, 19 have publicly available salaries. Those add up to around $19 million, which Fisher’s buyout could pay for 3.98 times. Of the top 20 offensive coordinators at public universities, Texas A&M’s Bobby Petrino is making the fifth-most money annually at $1.42 million, over twice as much as Arizona’s Brennan Carroll at $625,000. Ironic given Arizona fans are probably having well over twice as much fun watching their team as Aggie fans.

2) Five and a half Super Bowl commercials

The average cost of a 30-second spot during Super Bowl LVII was $7 million, per Forbes. That would give A&M seven chances to broadcast its plight to well over 100 million viewers. Surely, one of them could do better than 27-21 in the SEC with the nation’s top recruiting class? The commercials could start cute, maybe with a painfully dated reference and a celebrity cameo, then by the end it’s just a booster offering his bank PIN to anyone with a vaguely folksy name and a clipboard willing to call him back.

3) 38,500 Ford Pintos in 1978

Following an investigation from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, Ford recalled 1.5 million of its famously explosive Pinto sedans in 1978. At an average cost hovering around $2,000, a ’76 Pinto would be mere pocket change. A&M could easily pay for nearly 40,000 of them, although I suppose it already knows how it feels throwing that much money at something only for it to implode catastrophically.

4) The construction of the Empire State Building, adjusted for inflation until 1957

The former tallest building in America and New York skyline staple was built in 1931 for a measly $41 million, which inflates to just under $77 million in 1957. That year also saw the release of classic legal drama 12 Angry Men, which coincidentally also refers to the extremely disgruntled players taking the field for A&M on any given play — plus the vaunted 12^th Man, of course.

Sure, Fisher’s buyout would only pay for roughly 13% of the tower’s construction in today’s money, but when has A&M ever cared about seeing anything it pays for come to fruition?

5) A private SpaceX voyage

In May, SpaceX sent a four-man crew into space at an estimated cost of $55 million per person, pbs.org reported. I’ve heard Aggie fans complain ad nauseum about how much they wanted to put Fisher and Petrino in a rocket bound for the moon, and this feels like a perfect opportunity. Maybe Petrino would get a discounted ticket. Then again, maybe the literal moon is still a little closer than A&M fans want Fisher to be to their favorite team.

6) Villa Aquamaris, private island in French Polynesia

Villa Aquamaris’ website describes it as a “window on heaven.” The 4-acre South Pacific island is surrounded by pristine waters, with a lagoon boasting over 50 shades of blue. But that’s not all. Per privateislandsonline.com, Aquamaris costs a piddling $52 million, meaning A&M would still have just enough pocket change left over to purchase the 8-acre Steele Point Estate in the British Virgin Islands, currently priced at $25 million.

Either would likely be the perfect retirement homestead for Fisher, provided he could Zoom into the occasional Finebaum Show appearance. I guess I didn’t factor in the cost of wi-fi.

7) National respectability

Wait, actually, never mind. Forgot to carry the 1.

 -Bradley Hohulin

PICK LIKE A CHAMP IN WEEK 12!

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It could not be easier to play. Simply sign up for any Patreon tier and follow the directions to submit your picks. And, while you’re at it, reap the benefits of our other Patreon perks, including ad-free episodes, bonus content, unfettered access to our great Discord community, scheme breakdown videos and much more! All Patreon tiers instantly get access to our great games and prizes!

THE LOOKBACK

5 things you missed from the past week

1) The Coaching Carousel has started spinning. We led today’s newsletter with the obvious megastory that is Jimbo Fisher’s firing and subsequent buyout. The Aggies may have broken the seal for others in college football. Boise State made a (somewhat surprising) move to fire Andy Avalos despite still having a shot to win the Mountain West. Mississippi State also canned Zach Arnett just 10 games into his first season. Meanwhile, rumors have circulated that Chip Kelly is about to be fired from UCLA and there is a long list of others on the hot seat, including Tom Allen (Indiana), Dino Babers (Syracuse), Sam Pittman (Arkansas), Justin Wilcox (Cal), Dana Holgorsen (Houston), Dave Aranda (Baylor) and even Billy Napier (Florida). Meanwhile, Mack Brown plans to return in 2024, despite rumors that he might retire. And, Northwestern officially removed the interim tag from David Braun.

2) Jim Harbaugh: Still suspended! After a week in which the tough legal talk was ramped up to a thousand, Michigan and the Big Ten settled their dispute. Harbaugh will accept his three-game suspension and, in return, the Big Ten will close its investigation. Notably, this does not mean that Michigan is off the hook, just that the NCAA will handle the investigation from here on out. In a rather saucy detail, John Harbaugh said that his brother’s phones and computers have been searched, “but [the NCAA doesn’t] have anything of substance.”

3) The Pac-12 is dead, long live the Pac-2! Here’s a fun one: Oregon State and Washington State won a preliminary hearing on Tuesday granting them control of the Pac-12’s board of directors. This set off a flurry of internet buzz to the tune of “hey, can those two schools just keep all the 2023 money for themselves?” Meanwhile, the departing 10 schools (led by Washington) won a stay from the Washington State Supreme Court, temporarily preventing any action by the board without unanimous consent. This is all a very long way of saying that Oregon State and Washington State want to operate the Pac-12 as a two team conference for the next couple seasons. They’ve reportedly got the bones of a scheduling alliance already in place with the Mountain West.

4) James Madison’s waiver to play in the postseason was denied by the NCAA. But Virginia’s Attorney General, Jason Miyares, is threatening legal action to try and reverse the decision.

"Specifically, JMU is prepared to promptly file a lawsuit in the Western District of Virginia asserting that the bowl ban violates the antitrust and, potentially, other laws" said Miyares.

I have almost no idea what any of this means, but I hope it works out for the Dukes!

5) My co-host, Dan Rubenstein, is of the mind that Brett Yormark’s vision for the Big 12 is to turn it into the Taco Bell Cantina of college football and, well…

-Ty Hildenbrandt

THE VERBALLERHOOD

Staying cool on Santana Saturday

Dan brought up a good point on this week’s preview episode: It’s always the second-to-last week of a TV show that is the best. Could college football follow suit? Here’s hoping some CFB action that is hotter than seven inches from the midday sun.

1️⃣ Listen to our Week 12 preview episode

Wait, Washington is a slight underdog at Oregon State? Georgia has to go to Neyland Stadium? Texas is playing at Iowa State at night? Yeahhhh… there’s some potential weirdness. Just sayin’…

☝️ Also, we popped the hood and took a closer look at what’s been going on at Nebraska and Wisconsin in 2023. The bonus episode was appropriately titled: “Herbie and Bucky sitting in a tree, p-u-n-t-i-n-g”

2️⃣ Roast someone or something on our voicemail line: 855-VERBAL3 (855-837-2253)

We’re looking for your best roasts this weekend on our voicemail line. The kind of thing that we can play around the Saturday night campfire as a way to vent those emotions. Don’t let us down.

(Oh, and if you’re looking for a fun place to hang, we invite you to come lurk on our Discord and see if it’s something you’re into.)

3️⃣ Support the podcast by leaving us a 5-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts

Please consider leaving us a 5-star rating and review if you listen over on Apple Podcasts! This week, I’m going to start calling out reviewers. Bonus points to anyone that mentions that they’re also a Quick Slants Newsletter subscriber! And, of course, Verballers.com is the spot for you if you’d like ad-free episodes, bonus content and more!

-Ty Hildenbrandt